Blogs are a bit addictive. Once you get it going, you like to see some action ~ interesting dialogue, comments from others, active links to other sites. But here’s the deal, you have WRITE to RECEIVE! Seriously. Face it my friends, very few people are posting, “Hey Pam, we’re waiting … Enlighten us, already!
And so … I draw from the well. I keep a file of writings that I like. Pieces that have touched me with enough umph to cause me to tear the page out of the magazine or jot down the quote from a book or, more likely these days, bookmark the webpage for later reference! I have a manila folder in my desk labeled: Humor, Inspiration and Other Writings I Like! (Okay, so I had to write VERY small to get it to fit on the tab!) And I have a similar folder on my computer labeled: Inspiration & Stuff. Now THAT’S specific, huh?!
So, I’m feeling the need to post. But here’s the deal … I’m tired. I’m tired and I don’t feel much like writing. I am in one of my weird, wired insomniac phases where sleep is illusive. These phases hit me periodically and they are a mixed bag — I get a lot done, but I get completely crazed after a few days. It goes like this … I went to bed at 11 last night and promptly fell asleep. I got a good solid 3 hours and then I woke up as refreshed as if I’d slept all night. I couldn’t have been more awake if I’d showered in Espresso.
I’ve learned that the best thing to do in those moments is to just get up & go and so I have. From 2 am – 7, I retyped my Anatomy class notes & annotated them with sources from the web. I showered and went to work from 8 – 12 and then to the high school for a meeting about our son until 3:30 when I went back to work and stayed until 7:30, setting the building alarm as I left, the last to leave the school on a Friday night. At school, I cleaned like woman possessed — pitching and throwing old files, bad ether net cords, broken printer trays and boxes of old floppy discs. So all of that is okay, but the deal is, I will do this for several days and then collapse. It is not a good thing.
Meanwhile, back at the blog with her weary fingers pecking at the keyboard, she searches for a key, I mean a clue. Hmm. Too tired to write my own material, I’ll just copy! This brings me back to … what did I call it — oh yeah, “Inspiration and Stuff” This one stood out. I don’t know where I got it or who wrote it but I like it.
So here ya go, the first edition of Ponderances of Pamela! Or more correctly, Ponderances of Someone AS RETOLD BY Pamela!
2/17/08 note: When I first posted this, I did not who wrote it. I have since discovered that it was written by Sonny Carroll, and the original version varies slightly from the one below. You may be interested in comparing the differences. Check it out on my other blog, a new site I’ve started that will feature writings that I’ve collected through the years ~ P
A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening!
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella, or vice-a-versa, and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. And in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are – and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions). And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process, a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and, in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and who you’re needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world, and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship, or base your importance by the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely.
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up”. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want, and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch, and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
Still learning, still waking up,